If you haven’t started writing the hysterical nonsense your kids say and do, it’s never too late. Here’s three of my favorites by Amelia.
My youngest and I were in the car on our way home. “Mom?,” she asks “Can I have a bow and error?” Yes I said error on purpose. “No Amelia you can not have a bow and error, mainly because it’s bow and arrow, but also because your four and shouldn’t be trusted with a weapon.” She quickly replies, “okay fine, I’ll take a banana.”
“Mom, I’m not going to school, like ever again.” So I asked if she was planning on dropping out in Kindergarten, “yes” I said, “so you’re not planning on learning anything else your entire life?” “Correct.” I explained to her she would be forced to live with her dad and I forever, following the very rules she protests daily. “Fine.” She says. Now I knew I had her, “well what are you going to do when we get old and die?” Her reply made me choke. “Well I guess I’ll just have to kill myself and we can all die together.” Now before you get carried away, she’s five. She’s not promoting or opting for suicide. She just matter of fact my was stating that if she can’t survive without us, she’ll have to go too. Jesus kid, put your pants on, we leave for school in five minutes.
I have a cute little boutique in my salon. I have trendy tshirts, business casual attire, and accessories. My most spirited child was with me. Out of the corner of my eye I see her walking with scissors, opening and closing them with each step. Immediately I corrected her behavior, telling her not to walk around opening and closing scissors because it was dangerous. A short while later I watch this little fireball sashé over to a Tshirt, scissors in hand. Right before they made contact I yelled across the room, “I will literally throat punch you (not literally though) if you cut that shirt. “I’m not…mooooom!” Puzzled I asked, “then why the heck are you holding the shirt and have open scissors in your hand?” Her quick wittedness is mesmerizing. “Because you said not to walk with going open close open close, so instead I’m walking with them open.” Mic drop